Sep 13, 2011

Home - family, catchin up with old friends, good times, good food but the emptiness always finds its way back.. 

What has my life come to!!?? Whatever i do i lose interest quickly.... nothing i do seems to make me happy lately. I haven’t updated my blog in a long, long time, i don’t even feel like talking to my friends!! Not even on the phone :-/ Don’t get me wrong though. I do miss them a lot but that part of me who misses them usually loses out to the part of me that says, “F*** it! you’ll get back to the same old feeling after it’s done.” Cuz’ i just feel like no one gets this emptiness in me. So what gives?? Hmmmmm... on the brink of depression maybe??? I sure hope not. :-O 

I’m at home kind of a permanent arrangement at the moment at least for some months hopefully. It’s the longest i’ve been home in ten years! At least it feels like that. I finally have a sense of groundedness (if that’s even a word but it makes sense to me!) as compared to when i was living in and out of my suitcase. This is what i wanted isn’t it? It’s because i wanted to stay at home that i decided not to give my PHD entrance interview isn’t it? It was so crystal clear to me then... stay at home, help my big sis’ in managing the household, be with my baby sister and most importantly, in the hope of healing the wound i’ve been carrying around for three years. 
Life is fun here... meeting up with family, old friends, getting to know my home and my family all over again, evaluating myself, good food :) yup my Dad can be a real nag sometimes and annoys the hell out of me but i know he only has our best interest at heart. It’s all good but the emptiness inside is what i just don’t get! The laughter in me somehow fails to reach my heart. I thought maybe jotting down all of this disfunctionality in me on my blog would maybe provide some sort of therapy for this broken down rusty ol’ engine to run okay again. “okay” is all i can manage for now...sigh :(